Maybe You Should Care If People Like You

Several years ago, one of my mentors sat in on a staff meeting I was leading.

Afterward, I asked, “What do you think?” He paused.

“Well,” he said, “your team definitely likes you.”

There was just enough hesitation in his voice to make me wonder whether that was entirely a compliment.

Apparently, I was likable. But was I leading?

I’ve thought about that conversation often because one of my lingering insecurities as a leader is that I might be too soft. My natural style is relational. I want people to feel seen. I want my team to know I care about them beyond their productivity. I want to be approachable, welcoming and safe.

Somewhere along the way, though, many of us absorbed the idea that those qualities are wonderful in a friend but slightly suspicious in a leader.

Then I heard behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards speak at the Global Leadership Summit. One of the questions she raised was remarkably simple: Do the people you lead know that you like them?

That stuck with me. Perhaps we have confused distance with authority.

We worry that if employees like us, they won’t respect us. If we are warm, we won’t hold people accountable. If we care too much, difficult conversations will become impossible.

But decades of research by psychologist Susan Fiske and her colleagues suggest people evaluate others largely through two dimensions: warmth and competence. In simple terms, we’re asking, “Are you for me?” and “Are you capable?”

Good leaders should probably make it easy to answer yes to both.

Research also suggests liking isn’t merely fluffy workplace culture. A meta-analysis by James Dulebohn and colleagues found that interpersonal liking between leaders and employees added something meaningful beyond traditional measures of leader-employee relationship quality. Other research has linked strong leader-employee relationships with better performance, helpful workplace behaviors and greater trust.

Of course, being liked is different from needing to be liked.

People-pleasing avoids conflict. Good leadership enters it.

A warm leader can say, “I care about you, and this work still isn’t acceptable.”

And the principle stretches beyond the office.

In marriage, researchers describe “perceived partner responsiveness,” or feeling that your partner understands, values and cares for you. That responsiveness has been linked with greater long-term well-being.

Children also need warmth alongside guidance, correction and boundaries. Friendships grow when people feel understood and cared for.

Maybe healthy relationships of every kind require some version of the same message:

I like you. I’m for you. And I’m willing to do the hard things this relationship requires.

I’ve worked on teams where almost no one liked the leader. It wasn’t wonderfully efficient because feelings had been removed from the equation. It was miserable. People guarded themselves. Conversations happened after meetings instead of during them. Trust disappeared.

So now, when I think about my mentor’s observation, I hear it differently.

“Your team definitely likes you.”

Good. I hope they do. But even more, I hope they know I like them.

Because whether we’re leading, loving, parenting or befriending someone, maybe people grow best around those who communicate two things at once:

You matter to me. And I believe enough in you to expect something from you.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org

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